Holiday checklist: Boundaries
It’s the holiday season, which means twinkling lights, cozy beverages, and lots (LOTS) of new opportunities to get acquainted with your own boundaries.
We say get acquainted with your boundaries instead of create your boundaries here because this process doesn’t usually look like sitting down for a family meeting and laying out a flow chart of what is and isn’t okay with you in life (but ooh, wouldn’t that be nice? Imagine the color-coding possibilities).
More often, we meet our boundaries in the heat of the moment: Someone says or does something, and suddenly you feel that PINCH. You don’t know what it means right away, but you know that something about what just happened is not okay with you. Often, that’s your first sign that you’ve found a boundary and it’s been pushed.
Then, you’re faced with what seems like an impossible question to answer in the moment: “Well, what do I do now?!” Your brain and body are telling you to do something (like, *right now*), but you can’t even think straight to figure out what it is that you actually want to say or do.
This week we’re sharing with you some of our favorite ideas for those pinch-y moments. Read these at your leisure, and if you find you can’t remember any of this in the heat of the moment, that’s okay - you can always come back to these as needed.
Keep the Pause Button handy
When these moments hit - imagine your MIL has just made a snide comment about your parenting style - your system reacts. Your heart might start racing, you hold your breath, your head feels hot, and your thoughts start to spin out. As much as you want to react now with the full power of your rage and hurt, there’s only one way to get your mind and body reset so you can respond with intention…and it may make you feel even more ragey in the moment when someone (even lovingly) suggests that you do it: Take a pause.
Giving yourself physical space will create mental space. In these moments of flooding, your thinking brain is offline - basically stuck in a state of buffering. Removing yourself from the situation is the best way to get your system back online.
How exactly do you communicate that you need space when the whole reason you need space is because you can’t communicate?
Before that family gathering, come up with a code word or scenario with your partner or a trusted person who will also be there (examples: “I need to take this call”, “Gotta go feed baby”, “I forgot to FaceTime my aunt - be right back!”, “Caw! Caw!”). When that time comes, let them know you need to tap out so they can support you by running interference.
2. Tap into some Self-Validation
Boundary-setting can be a very lonely business. When you start to honor yourself and listen to what you need, the guilt that can come along with the fear of disappointing others is very real. You might find that some people in your life would rather things have just stayed the way they were, and those responses can lead to a big heaping pile of self-doubt for you (“I should just go with the flow and not rock the boat here”).
When you hear that self-doubt getting louder, offer yourself some words of validation like:
“The way I’m feeling right now makes sense.”
“It’s important for me to honor what I need, just like it’s important for everyone.”
“I don’t know what to say or do about this yet, and that’s okay.”
“Their response is theirs to figure out, and it’s not my responsibility.”
“I want my children to see me honoring myself/our family’s values so that they’ll learn to do the same.”
“Yes, I feel guilt…and I also feel relief!”
3. Let go the fear of being “wishy-washy”
Boundaries don’t have to be walls - unmoving and rigid. Boundaries can be fences with gates that open and close, or as Glennon Doyle puts it, they can be drawbridges that you control. As your priorities shift and as you become different versions of yourself in different seasons of life, your boundaries will also shift. It’s okay to change your mind when it comes to boundaries. If you went all in on the extended family gift exchange last year but this year it feels like it would take more energy than you have available to give to it, that’s okay. If you really put your foot down and left promptly at 6pm at Thanksgiving because of your little one’s bedtime but you feel okay about staying later at Christmas, that’s okay. As Adam Grant says, changing your mind isn’t a sign that you’re abandoning your principles - it’s a sign that you’re learning something.
4. FFTs FTW
If you have any perfectionist, people-pleasing, or peacemaker parts of yourself (and if you’re reading this we have a hunch you might because SAME), meeting your boundaries, figuring out what to do about them and how to communicate with others about them might have you feeling like, “Can we just not??”
This is all brand new, and as with every FFT (Effing First Time - one of our favorite concepts from Brene Brown), anything brand new comes with awkwardness, discomfort, and loads of self-doubt. You’re not feeling this way because you’re doing something wrong. All of these responses are totally natural for an FFT, so when you notice them bubbling up, you can remind yourself that you’re new at this. You’re learning. And all of this will feel more comfortable with time and practice.
