Celebrating three years of momming
Our groups began in 2020 as a bouy to help us get through the week in the depths of a pandemic. Let’s look back at where we started and where we are now.
Our first group began in 2020 with a few moms getting together to buoy each other through the depths of a pandemic.
Three years later, we’ve served almost 100 moms from 10 states and 4 countries.
We’ve navigated the ups and downs of changing relationships, shifting career priorities, moving to new places, life-altering losses, and everyday victories.
We’re together through baby’s first fever, first steps, first time at daycare or with a babysitter, first night in a big kid bed, first epic meltdown in a Target parking lot.
We’ve wondered, “who even am I right now?”, and we’ve laughed and cried about the clumsiness of having no solid answer to that question.
Throughout this wild ride, one theme remains universal: Life feels a little lighter to walk through when you do it alongside your people.
Holly and I (Ellen) started our virtual support and strategy groups for moms in September of 2020. Our idea was simple: We're not wired to mother alone, and we're certainly not wired to mother through a pandemic alone. We didn't know exactly what these groups would look like, but the evidence behind social support was there and we just knew we had to do something to bring moms together during that unimaginable time. Enter our first iteration of Momming Groups: Momming in a Pandemic.
We went on quite a journey to figure out how to describe these group experiences to get moms to take the leap with us on this new idea. MTW was only about 6 months old at the time, and everything about us was brand new. So much of the magic happens when you're actually in a group, and we knew that if we could just get people in the “door” for the first time, the experience would speak for itself.
Thanks to a very small yet mighty core crew of five early adopters who came to our group every week and spread the word to their friends and colleagues, our groups grew. First one group per week, then two, then three, then four.
Our themes have evolved through the years from figuring out how to get through a day while deep in a pandemic and confined at home with babies and toddlers, to figuring out how to venture out in the world again, to all the ups and downs motherhood serves us on any given day.
Our model has changed over the years, too. Momming in a Pandemic was completely drop-in back in 2020, which meant a fair amount of lost sleep for us while we fretted over whether people would sign up and show up, what the dynamic would be like, and wanting so desperately for each mom that joined us to have the best experience possible. A brand new offering for a brand new business was a field day for all the self-doubt and awkwardness of an FFT (effing first time), and we felt it.
202o, prior to the launch of Momming in a Pandemic
We’ll call this one, Self Portrait of an Aspiring Momming Group Leader with No Groups Yet. Even though we didn’t know what our groups would look like or if our idea would even work, we knew we had to get in the arena and try.
Yes, I took this photo using the timer on my phone. No, there is no one on that screen. No, none of those plants survived. Yes, the mug is empty.
My office is now a stunning (IMHO) Hague Blue that really highlights every flyaway on my head (I spend 30 seconds before each group with my R+Co Dart Stick). That very loud painting is now hanging in the dark recesses of my basement. My desk has never been clean since.
Since the spring of 2021, we've settled into a design that works well for us and for our clients, and our rosters have been full ever since. Our model involves closed cohorts of 7 moms in similar seasons of life who sign on for a 12-week term with their Momming Group. Through our weekly virtual sessions, each group's private WhatsApp chat, and the initiative our local members take to get together in person outside of the group, we've had the extreme honor of watching real friendships form and carry on for years at this point.
When we get to hear about entire groups going out to dinner together or one member sending a care package to another member abroad, when we get emailed photos of MTW babies doing tummy time together in the park, and when our members tell us the very real and transformative impact that their group has had on their early motherhood experience, we feel such immense gratitude.
Our groups are so impactful because of our members. They show up ready to support each other through the hard things, ready to celebrate each other's wins, and ready to simply lighten the load for themselves and for each other by carrying it together. Moms in our groups are wicked smart, fiercely loyal, witty, and brave. They are the ultimate hype-women, and in any given session there's likely to be belly-busting laughter, courageous vulnerability, and tears of sadness/anger/joy (or all of the above, or we’re not even sure what kind of tears they are - we just know they need to be shed).
To the nearly 100 Momming members who have joined us over the past three years: THANK YOU! Thank you for creating this space alongside us, and for offering your feedback and perspectives to help us make these groups fit into your busy lives as seamlessly as possible. We talk a lot about the importance of celebrating our invisible efforts, and we want to celebrate yours here. Our groups are what they are today because of your efforts to prioritize this hour each week amongst the countless demands on your time and energy, and because of your readiness to pay attention and show up for each other in the purest, most validating way. We're so grateful to every single one of you.
To those who haven't joined us yet: We'd love to welcome you into this MTW community! Reach out to us to chat about it. We know how scary it can be to take that leap, and yet what’s on the other side is so, so worth it.
Holiday checklist: Boundaries
It’s the holiday season, which means twinkling lights, cozy beverages, and lots (LOTS) of new opportunities to get acquainted with your own boundaries.
We say get acquainted with your boundaries instead of create your boundaries here because this process doesn’t usually look like sitting down for a family meeting and laying out a flow chart of what is and isn’t okay with you in life (but ooh, wouldn’t that be nice? Imagine the color-coding possibilities).
More often, we meet our boundaries in the heat of the moment: Someone says or does something, and suddenly you feel that PINCH. You don’t know what it means right away, but you know that something about what just happened is not okay with you. Often, that’s your first sign that you’ve found a boundary and it’s been pushed.
Then, you’re faced with what seems like an impossible question to answer in the moment: “Well, what do I do now?!” Your brain and body are telling you to do something (like, *right now*), but you can’t even think straight to figure out what it is that you actually want to say or do.
This week we’re sharing with you some of our favorite ideas for those pinch-y moments. Read these at your leisure, and if you find you can’t remember any of this in the heat of the moment, that’s okay - you can always come back to these as needed.
Keep the Pause Button handy
When these moments hit - imagine your MIL has just made a snide comment about your parenting style - your system reacts. Your heart might start racing, you hold your breath, your head feels hot, and your thoughts start to spin out. As much as you want to react now with the full power of your rage and hurt, there’s only one way to get your mind and body reset so you can respond with intention…and it may make you feel even more ragey in the moment when someone (even lovingly) suggests that you do it: Take a pause.
Giving yourself physical space will create mental space. In these moments of flooding, your thinking brain is offline - basically stuck in a state of buffering. Removing yourself from the situation is the best way to get your system back online.
How exactly do you communicate that you need space when the whole reason you need space is because you can’t communicate?
Before that family gathering, come up with a code word or scenario with your partner or a trusted person who will also be there (examples: “I need to take this call”, “Gotta go feed baby”, “I forgot to FaceTime my aunt - be right back!”, “Caw! Caw!”). When that time comes, let them know you need to tap out so they can support you by running interference.
2. Tap into some Self-Validation
Boundary-setting can be a very lonely business. When you start to honor yourself and listen to what you need, the guilt that can come along with the fear of disappointing others is very real. You might find that some people in your life would rather things have just stayed the way they were, and those responses can lead to a big heaping pile of self-doubt for you (“I should just go with the flow and not rock the boat here”).
When you hear that self-doubt getting louder, offer yourself some words of validation like:
“The way I’m feeling right now makes sense.”
“It’s important for me to honor what I need, just like it’s important for everyone.”
“I don’t know what to say or do about this yet, and that’s okay.”
“Their response is theirs to figure out, and it’s not my responsibility.”
“I want my children to see me honoring myself/our family’s values so that they’ll learn to do the same.”
“Yes, I feel guilt…and I also feel relief!”
3. Let go the fear of being “wishy-washy”
Boundaries don’t have to be walls - unmoving and rigid. Boundaries can be fences with gates that open and close, or as Glennon Doyle puts it, they can be drawbridges that you control. As your priorities shift and as you become different versions of yourself in different seasons of life, your boundaries will also shift. It’s okay to change your mind when it comes to boundaries. If you went all in on the extended family gift exchange last year but this year it feels like it would take more energy than you have available to give to it, that’s okay. If you really put your foot down and left promptly at 6pm at Thanksgiving because of your little one’s bedtime but you feel okay about staying later at Christmas, that’s okay. As Adam Grant says, changing your mind isn’t a sign that you’re abandoning your principles - it’s a sign that you’re learning something.
4. FFTs FTW
If you have any perfectionist, people-pleasing, or peacemaker parts of yourself (and if you’re reading this we have a hunch you might because SAME), meeting your boundaries, figuring out what to do about them and how to communicate with others about them might have you feeling like, “Can we just not??”
This is all brand new, and as with every FFT (Effing First Time - one of our favorite concepts from Brene Brown), anything brand new comes with awkwardness, discomfort, and loads of self-doubt. You’re not feeling this way because you’re doing something wrong. All of these responses are totally natural for an FFT, so when you notice them bubbling up, you can remind yourself that you’re new at this. You’re learning. And all of this will feel more comfortable with time and practice.
3 questions to bring more social rest into your life
So, what is social rest? Canceling my plans, putting on my pjs, and curling up with the Housewives?
Well, no…though again, all of this sounds really really important and we definitely endorse this journey for you.
Social rest comes when you spend time with the people in your life that make it feel effortless. The people who make you feel safe to show up 100% authentically. When you're with these people, you don't feel like you need to perform or put on a happy face - you can just be, with all of your ups and downs and messiness.
Rest is so much more than just sleep (though sleep is like really really important). We love using the Seven Types of Rest framework to explore our options when our clients say, “I'm getting solid sleep but my battery isn't recharging.”
So, what is social rest? Canceling my plans, putting on my pjs, and curling up with the Housewives?
Well, no…though all of this sounds really really important and we definitely endorse this journey for you.
Social rest comes when you spend time with the people in your life that make it feel effortless. The people who make you feel safe to show up 100% authentically. When you're with these people, you don't feel like you need to perform or put on a happy face - you can just be, with all of your ups and downs and messiness.
So, how can I tell in the moment if I'm getting that social rest?
Check in with yourself using these three questions:
COUNT YOUR ENERGY TOKENS.
1 | What's my energy level before and after this interaction?
We only have so many energy tokens available to us each day. How energized are you going into spending time with this person, and how do you feel afterward - have you spent more tokens than you intended, or does your cute little energy coin purse overfloweth?
CHECK IN WITH YOUR BOD.
2 | How’s my breathing, and what are my muscles doing?
How hard am I working here in this conversation? Breathing and muscle tension can give you important clues into whether you're just being or whether you feel like you're preforming. Is your breathing deep and slow, or shallow and quick? Are your muscles relaxed or tense? Just notice - as always, trying not to judge yourself either way.
TUNE INTO YOUR SELF.
3 | Which parts of myself are showing up here?
Our personalities are so wonderfully rich and complex, and it's totally natural for different parts of ourselves to step out to the forefront in different situations and with different people. Some parts of ourselves are more pleasant to us, some less pleasant, but they all have a place and serve important roles for us. Which parts of you are emerging here, and how is that sitting with you?