go easier on yourself with these three magic words

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“THAT MAKES SENSE”

Picture this scene: You feel like you’re drowning in to-do lists, tasks, and unread emails, and you’re burning the candle at both ends trying to just keep up.

Instead of telling yourself, “I cannot handle life right now. I should be able to manage all of this better!”

Try out, “I am so overwhelmed right now, and that makes sense because there’s so much pressure on me right now. I have a lot of commitments right now, and I haven’t had the opportunity to sleep well on top of that. It makes sense that I’m feeling overwhelmed. Anyone would be feeling overwhelmed in this situation. I’m doing enough.”

Here's another one: You’ve been at home alone all day with your baby, who’s been fussy today because teething? Growth spurt? Just baby being a baby? Who knows. You’re touched out, desperate for a break, and feel like you want to scream, so you put baby in her crib and walk into another room.

Instead of, “I’m such a bad mom for just putting her in her crib and leaving the room.”

Try out, “I need a break, and that makes sense because I’m a human being - the crying has been a lot today. My system is flooded and needs a little space to decompress. Baby is safe in her crib, and I’m taking a breather. Every parent needs a breather sometimes.”

Think of all the times someone you love has vented to you and you validated them with something like, “Of course you feel that way!”

Of course. It makes sense!

When we give ourselves permission to just be however we are in the moment, we let ourselves be humans just like everyone else (gasp!). We let ourselves know that, when a tough emotion or thought comes up, there's not necessarily anything wrong with it and we don't have to do anything to fix it or make it go away.

If you're looking for something to do in these moments (and let's be honest - we are doers here), here's what you can do: Ask yourself, “What do I need that I can give myself right now?” A breather? A quick brainflow? Help from your people? A walk around the block? 20 minutes of HGTV? A snack and a glass of water?

Every emotion is a tunnel, and when we simply let it be, we'll move right on through it. (And, psst: If “simply letting it be” sound excruciating because you want to be able to FIX it? That makes sense, too.)

Six tips for navigating pregnancy after loss

If you’re pregnant and you’ve experienced pregnancy loss in the past, you might feel like you’re stuck in a mental pinball machine: You’re thrilled one moment, terrified the next, looking forward to the future one second, then grieving the past…sometimes all of the above (and more) at once. Check out these six tips for navigating pregnancy after loss to help make sense of that mental pinball.

ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LOSS

 Let’s talk about the pregnancy loss you experienced. Our society rarely discusses miscarriages, so when you experience one, it’s easy to feel alone. On top of that, people with the best intentions can say some very clumsy or straight-up invalidating things around miscarriage: These things happen for a reason, or at least it happened so early on, or three months and you can try again! When the miscarriage experience is seen as an afterthought and you’re still feeling really impacted by it on the daily, you can begin to ask yourself, What’s wrong with me? I should be over this by now. There’s nothing wrong with you. Your loss is real. No matter how far along you were in your pregnancy when the miscarriage took place, grief can still have its full-force impact on you, just as it has with other losses you’ve encountered in your life. There’s no timeline for “getting over it”, and being pregnant now doesn’t delete the way you feel about your miscarriage. You’re pregnant and you’re grieving. It’s both/and - not either/or – and sitting with both at the same time is simultaneously uncomfortable and important (we’ll get to that).

COMMEMORATE YOUR LOSS 

Do you remember being a small child and trying to wriggle your way out of a puffy winter coat? Or as an adult, floundering while you extract yourself from your shapewear after a long night? The more you flail and struggle against it, the more stuck you seem to become. When we try to push away painful experiences, the same thing occurs. Those experiences get loud, and the more we struggle against them, the louder they become - until we decide to stop and listen. When we pause and just let it all be instead of trying to fix it, we find the precious space we need to tune in. Commemorating your loss is one way to take that pause and honor your experience. Choose a day that feels like the most meaningful milestone to you: Maybe the due date for that pregnancy, or what would have been the end of the first/second trimester, or the date the pregnancy loss took place. What you actually do to acknowledge the day is totally up to you, and it certainly doesn’t need to be a grand ceremony: Hike to your favorite spot or write in your journal. Put some fresh flowers on your desk or light a candle at dinner with your partner or a trusted support person. Go to the gym and beat the crap out of a punching bag. Even a small ritual makes the invisible more visible and creates that moment to pause and make space to just let it all be.

MEET THE GRIEF BUTTON

Imagine one of those red “Easy” buttons, but this one says “Grief.” This button is in a box, along with a rubber ball bouncing all over the place. You never know when the ball will hit the button. When your loss is recent, your grief button is huge and gets pressed frequently. Over time, the button shrinks and doesn’t get pushed as often. Randomly, unpredictably, it will still get pushed from time to time. In your current pregnancy, you might find your grief button is on fire, getting pushed all. the. time. It can feel confusing if you’re shopping for your baby registry and you “should” be ecstatic, but you feel a gut punch when you scroll past those tiny baby shoes (or that hat with little bear ears, or a diaper pail…truly, it can be anything). In any situation like this when overwhelm washes over you, start by noticing it (wow, something is happening) and naming it (my grief button got pushed). Then, instead of trying to wriggle your way out of that uncomfortable moment, try pausing to give yourself that space to just sit with it. You’re excited for your new baby and you’re grieving. Both/and.

MAKE FRIENDS WITH “AND”

Ambivalence is holding two or more seemingly conflicting thoughts or feelings at the same time. Ambivalence is uncomfortable because we’re humans, and we like to organize our worlds into neat little categories. Remember the feelings chart that hung on the wall at school? Are you feeling happy? Or sad? Or scared? Or mad? As adults, we know that it’s not either/or. It’s both/and. You’re about to interview for a new position and you’re both nervous and excited for the possibilities. You’re moving to a new city, and you’re both sad you’re leaving and eager for your new beginning. It’s messy, and we don’t love that. And yet, we can create space for all of it to be true at once. Once we name ambivalence, we can’t unsee it. It’s everywhere, and knowing this term can be so helpful in making sense of the emotional rollercoaster you might feel like you’re on if you’re pregnant and you’ve experienced pregnancy loss in the past. You’re excited for the baby and you’re scared of what could go wrong. You’re so happy, and you feel so guilty for feeling happy. You can’t wait to tell family and friends about your pregnancy, and you’re terrified about the exact same thing. It’s a lot. In those moments of overwhelm, remember that you can take a pause and give yourself space for all of it to be true at once.

NOTICE THE SHOULDS 

You find out you’re pregnant: I should be thrilled. You’ve been staring at that unassembled crib for weeks: I should be more excited to put this nursery together. Your grief button gets pushed: I should be over this by now. Like ambivalence, once we start tuning into our should statements, we hear them all the time and we begin to notice how tough we really are on ourselves. When you hear that statement (I should…) pop into your mind, it’s often a sign that you’re about to be much harder on yourself than you ever would be on anyone else you love, and that you’re setting expectations for yourself that might not be serving you well. Try out a Best Friend Mindset in those moments to tap into more kindness and grace for yourself. Ask yourself: Would I ever say this to my best friend, or even think this about her? Of course the answer is absolutely not, so then ask yourself what you would actually say to her in this situation. Then, flip the script and offer those kind, gracious, loving words to yourself.

CONNECT WITH PEOPLE WHO GET IT 

There’s a special type of magic that sparks between people who have gone through similar experiences. Connecting with people who simply get it without you having to explain it is an incredibly powerful tool for healing and moving forward as you navigate pregnancy and beyond. After all, feeling a sense of belonging is listed right up there with food, water, and shelter as one of the most important elements humans need in order to thrive. It can feel absolutely terrifying to share your experience with family and friends, and yet when you’re the first person to open that door, often you’ll find that others will then feel safe to share that they’ve been through something similar. Keep those people close throughout this journey, and remember that this is your news: You get to choose the people you tell and don’t tell, and the people to invite onto your team. Check your area for group opportunities, or search for virtual options. If you’re involved with a fertility clinic, ask them for resources. If you have a partner, know that each of you might be processing this experience differently. It’s okay if it’s difficult to fully be there for each other when each of you is so consumed by your own needs. We all deserve a team of resources and trusted support people, and this is the time to call in (or create) yours.

All information shared here is for informational purposes only, and is not to be interpreted as psychotherapy or medical advice. This article is property of Mother Tree Wellness Group, LLC, and may not be reproduced or replicated without the written consent of Mother Tree Wellness. This piece was originally published on Nessle.com in 2022.

my grocery store fairy godmother (and the five words that changed everything)

Tell me I'm not the only one who has cried in public recently, in an unlikely place.

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Thanks to all of you who responded back after my recent video that I'm now going to title, “Ellen Cries at the Green Bananas: Stranger intervenes.”

If you missed it in our Instagram stories, it's short (under 2 mins) and you can tune in here:

I was having a tough week trying to juggle all the things and feeling like the world's worst juggler.

I know I'm not alone in feeling this way recently. I was at the store with one of my children, trying to reclaim a sense of control over life by choosing the PERFECT bananas, and fighting back tears because my system felt just beyond overwhelmed.

We'd passed by a woman earlier in our store visit, and I could feel her looking at us for just a second longer than felt socially acceptable. I brushed it off - maybe she was checking out my cute mask, I thought. It was really cute - an Etsy mask I bought at the beginning of the pandemic thinking, “If I'm going to be wearing this until Covid is over in a few weeks, I'm doing it up in style!” Ha. Ha.

A few moments later, I saw out of the corner of my eye that she was circling her cart back our way. I instantly felt a pit of dread in my stomach and felt panicky: What had I done wrong? What's the bad news?

Our brains are wired for the bad news right now, so I was braced for it.

She looked at me and said: “Ma'am?"

I held my breath: “Yes?”

And the next five words she spoke changed everything for me.

“You look so beautiful today.”

The tears were coming in fast and hot, so I quickly responded with something along the lines of: “I'mhavingaroughdayyouhavenoideahowmuchthismeansthankyouimgoingtogocrysomemorenow.”

She smiled, and moved right along.

It took this woman five seconds (and probably some courage) to speak those words, but the impact was massive.

Stepping out from her own internal world and making the decision to brighten mine through this seemingly simple act had huge ripple effects for me: I felt seen, connected, and reminded that I'm more than just a flailing (but not failing) juggler: I'm also a person.

I don't know how her world felt for her that day, but it's safe to say it hasn't been easy for any of us lately. She was probably carrying her own mental load through the store as well, and I bet the act of reaching out to me made her load feel lighter, too.

Since that day, I've been paying it forward – want to join me?

A friend who saw our video on Instagram texted me a couple of days later to share that my grocery store fairy godmother had inspired her to roll down her window and yell, “YOU'RE DOING GREAT!” to a runner she was driving past that day.

Isn't it amazing that we have the power to give this incredible gift of feeling seen and connected to another person, with only a few very simple words? It takes zero dollars and almost zero effort, and has massive, long-lasting positive impacts for both you and the person you're celebrating. Can we say that about anything else in our world right now?

It sorta feels like magic, but at its core, it's just being human. It's what we do. When we connect with each other, amazing things happen.